the soil finn

How is he a counselor?
I had to be there for him so
many countless times and stuck
it through before my own cares
time and time because I felt to do so.
Then everything about being a brother
or a friend didn't seem to matter
and anything of a friendship or being
there was discounted and thrown away.
With endless excuses while I needed
a friend, truth, and what was supposed to
be someone being or proving that truth.
It was all false and fake
and they make a career being a counselor now
and opening thousand dollar things in front of
me, talking all this, all that, giving empty,
empty words. Like the emptiest words imaginable.


Like that it's cool or okay. And I needed somebody there,
a friend. and all I ever got were words
and excuses the entire time that I really needed
a friend there for even a fraction of what I
was always there for, for better or worse,
with a person to talk to, a place to stay if needed.
And I suffered and began to hate and began to realize
what they called "brothers" or friends
was something people could just throw away at a drop of
a dime when they get distracted for a second
or lose their spine to loyalty or care.
He just fucking bailed and got a getaway of rich families
to dip into. Luck of the draw and forgot about anyone else.

It's been strange a few times trying to pretend
it became all okay again. But even harder to take
anybody at all seriously, after all of that.

I find places where there's no where else to turn to sometimes
and realize what was supposed to be my best friend or brother
or whatever was someone who didnt want to ever feel uncomfortable
or put any effort at all when their so called friend was having a
life of hell and hopelessness.  
He gets a career counseling people now but his old best friend
despises him and sees through all of that fakeness. And gentleness
or empathy is that total excuse to actually put any effort of friendship
or real commitment to helping a friend when they really need it.
But he has a rich girlfriend now and tons of gadgets, toys, a salary,
all of that. But he lost his friend he called a "brother."
and it's tough to trust or take anybody else seriously or the same.

Like that motherfucker just left me there to bleed out and a lot of the
time I want to try to forgive it but just end up hating him.

Anyhow, life is pretty much hell.
I had been wondering how you were.
I guess I find out about what or anything and everything.
Being psychic or a soul sense or more of a spirit than physical person
or whatever.

I hope you're well but it's hell or hellish for most on this ol globe.
I'm so fucking tired of most people honestly though and think I can't really
trust any friendships or people to any real degree on this earth any longer.


I may excite-out and live it up until I croak because a future for anybody seems
really nill at this point of time. soberly of course because life in general
has been  a life energy trip.  To Co-exist with the living, walking fucking dead
or whatever the expectations are set to be, doesn't sound frilling.

Any way I've been yelling it in my head for years when times of need came up,
that I thought he was my best friend or brother ever since high school but somehow
it's ok to leave someone else suffering or for dead while they just hop around from
rich girlfriend to rich girlfriend, thinking it's ok. It's not.
Things catch up to people over time and for me it's that I put my soul and care into
being a friend for that person and after some serious "is anybody even here at all?
Is anybody around, for a friend, for networking, a hand, help, anything?" and
finding "No: You're basically fucked." really caught up to an immediate now.
And people can get a career, a wife, a normal life, all that kind of shit, but when
their partner like insults you infront of them, and you see things more clearly,
you realize your own wellbeing and friendship did not mean barely anything to them,
and that it was all posture and all words.
I was a dumbass for sticking it out and being there all those times for him that I had.
Because I did that a whole lot. It got me to a place of lots of lost opportunities
and hearing tons of weightless and frankly useless spiritual advice when actual real,
tangible help and friendship was needed all along.  
Those years can't be gotten back.