People who drink or abuse their neurological systems with drugs to an irreparable point have moments where their internal "djinns" or stored tensions and "other side" they always hide from public light take them over. If you have to babysit or tend to these people because they are friends or they are family or you are in places of life where they share space or connection it is like being alongside some sort of vampire or sick and twisted sort of person.
When their sense of that self turns "on" and the "thing" comes out,
something that werewolf, vampire films, and other fables make reference to, by turn of examples of the psyche,
you have to feel that aspect of tortured souls who use emotional overload to gain control of a situation.
It is said the most loud and emotional person in a group is the person who owns the room.
I want to condemn and denounce any friends in my life who tried to talk down to me when I was there for them, when they were going through their drug bents and I had to soberly stand by. Then they moved onto better things later on and tried to feign all of this spiritual preaching to me when I myself was in hard places mainly having to watch after mentally ill people who themselves still drugged and drank themselves into mental stasis or actual brain damaged results.
A lot of it ruined my life in ways that are still repairable, but I have little sympathy or empathy toward destructive drug users or immense alcoholics. I can still get myself out of or save myself from these situations of being locked into or held too tightly into associations of those I feel their lives will fail without my being there. But it had corrupted and neglected my own life in the process.
I do not want to feel spite or bad feelings toward people yet when I get thrown that
expectation of living some privileged life or when people pretend to know anything about me,
I can say that some of the things I have to face and survive through each day are things they would have caved into.
And lately I do not at all like looking and seeing what is an ugly or dying civilization.
But I owe it to myself to have a space of peace, peacefulness and productivity today.
My friends who blew me off when I needed some help that I had granted to them or tried my best when they needed it, I feel so cold toward and bummed out by, for when I have no damned place to go or any leverage of uplift and every day I try with energy and intent to make something better.
Meanwhile the people who used my kindness have this wishy washy sort of advance into having entered the world by this point. But I don't feel or sense real raw soul or any escaping what is their beyond their masks at this point.
So its hard to meet or to trust new people when a lineup of people you thought were true had in ways proved to of not been true.
I'm disgusted by the sympathy given to abusive and destructive addicts and alcoholics.
How much it deteriorates and stupefies the brain, a gift of consciousness and a tool or creation,
done so self-selectively, is a viewpoint I think I will permanently carry in my life.
I will rebound from all of this I have had thrown in my lap to cater to.
Yet as far as friends and family or thinking you can trust and have people close in your existence,
You'll find from whatever projects and expressions I have left in my palette that I would still like to work through,
that you'll confuse my striving within myself as coldness.
I have just been wrung out, however, of having seen it all too much.
Again I explain it, also, the Earth experience to in a way be a very, very immense kind of
collective daycare center.
All of so much of the compassion advertised by so many human beings seems to be
such a deepened kind of put-on.
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