A note

 tired of taking care of my mentally ill mother. she is an insane evil psycho. ruins anything and everyone. expected to save her life and belongings all the time because she is a constant drunk who ruined her own brain in a physical sense.  stressed my grandparents out beyond oblivion.
is a negative force of absolute miserableness. 
feed more money to that person-- that thing-- all the time while not being able to focus or to take care of the self.
sometimes I pray life takes her because it is that much sabotage and misery and just plain terrible meanness.
I had my grandparents die, my dad die, I'm an only child.
All my life I had an extreme alcoholic psycho as a mother and I should just let her lose everything
so I can be free from that terrible burden and nasty human being.
I've worked my ass off in so many areas of my life and yet still feel
somehow responsible to keep that person who switches moods like nobody else would ever believe,
to pay for this or that for them. But she blows it all the time with literal screaming at the top of her lungs. And should be locked into a psych ward for being such an absolute unstable person who is so dysfunctional that if I write or attempt to mention it whatsoever I have the idea first of all that nobody would ever believe me and yet too that no one would really get it.

In my own works of music and such I suppose it seems I go off the hinges or act silly or perhaps intense or questionable yet those are modes of character or a performance, etc.
When you live with or have a family member who is or who has over time become mentally ill and in a way where they are sufferable or mean as hell to you or what feels like evil or "vampiric" in extreme ways then there is that separation between ever talking about it and also the established figuring that you are going to get attacked or held to blame and given hasty judgement.
Because of having to try and essentially babysit somebody who is deeply deeply unwell,
and deeply unmanageable, and who acts out in such childish and mentally adolescent ways,
All of which alcoholics "tap into" which leads it to be that:
all of the same problems they have to deal with still remain and have to be approached,
after they are done consuming alcohol and making people pushed so very far away
and their bodies, senses and especially their minds are damaged
in sometimes irreversable and long term ways.

This is why I have been so hasty at points and posting and then erasing some thing
for a long while. And it is also why I call out places that end up censoring me
or making me difficult to have a career or connectivity online when the whole "SJW" as hire for admin on so many sites came to be, because it is what I have--- outlets to express things that I as a sober person creates and have as what makes me happy or get through each day beyond anything else.
And those things become taken away from me by what I believe itself to be a mentally unhinged collective society.
So when where I had grown up and laid my head to hope to rest, but hardly have, is a place of burden and had been trauma, the exterior world that talks so often of "progress" or "acceptance" seems so full of it when my opportunities there are nilled and I become censored by people who in many cases pretend to have it tough, while I never go around seeking victim points or really ever publicly talked about all of the crazy and traumatic endeavors I have been through.
Mainly in that because of whatever attributes for victim point empathy allowance I fit,
I am met just as much with more evil or nastiness or judgement by a collective who think they know,
but do not know very well and surely do not know with a heart they say they have.

That is what I feel like saying.
and each time I am able to make anything that is not a reflection or opening out of all the things I have to struggle or deal with --- if I can craft and make from places of my imagination and to just nevermind the things I have to see or energetically and whole body feel, behind the scenes are so many things I do want to say.  But I know that person is mentally ill now  and at times beyond a point of being able to be saved.
I have been so pissed and cannot understand the people I thought were close and watching me battle trying to help with my own life someone I eventually realized I came into being an adult yet having to care for because they'd lose it all. But it takes parts of my soul out of myself and I find that person to be a cruel and unmanageable, theoretically insane woman. A very destructive and damned kind of person-- into which I'd never touch a drink in my life for let's say after some temporary time where I worked a miserable employment in retail and occasionally did drink for I think an amount of under one year. And I disliked that very much. 
But I think much of the nation is medicated or drugged or administrated to drugs to a point of soul abandon.
I don't want to say things like this but I can't tell my friends and there's no family hardly left these days,
and I see pretenders or souls who say they mean well, but I'd been left to my very own having to figure it out for so long.  And when I needed anybody all I'd gotten very much were the signs of absolute clarity that it's just me, while others left for free rides and used what they could out of me along the way.
So if there is any brightness left from me at all then consider it a miracle in ways.
Because when it feels like the world against me when even wanting and pushing your beingness to opportunities, you can't really totally undo traumas you were either raised with or saw those close in your lives actual destroy themselves with.
I cannot save that person and do not owe anything to be tortured by people who they themselves cannot get better at all.

I am an absolute coffee addict and havent gotten good or healthy sleep in decades. And do not feel to belong many of the places I go or traverse.
I feel like the odd person out for not being on drugs or being addicted to things or for caring about or filling my life or head with media popular subjects.
I am more than capable for bringing fresh and new creative styles and at least passion and exploration into the crafts and mediums I work with.
I get odd looks and empty promises from people and see those who do succeed and the things they'd have to do in getting there, which is either sick things behind the scenes or networking and nepotism from an absolute securing.
Where am I left within all of that I am unsure.